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Open Letter to Liza Minnelli . . .
January 1999
Dear Liza,
Thinking
back to the 1970's, do you remember Guymas, Mexico, the
film " Lucky Lady"? My oldest childhood friend
Jim Koehler was motoring some of the period yachts from
upper Baja to the film location. I wanted to ride down
but he said the trip too dangerous because of the
whirlpools where the water from the Gulf of Mexico met
the Pacific. I stayed home at Marina Del Rey for a few
weeks until Jim made arrangements for me to catch a ride
down on one of the company Lear jets. The flight left
very early out of Van Nuys and knowing how coffee works
on me, I made it from the Marina to the airport without
my morning stimulant. Of course. We were late getting off
the ground and the hanger crew was passing out coffee. I
declined saying, I was flying. "Oh, but you can have
all you want, there is a potty on board" someone
volunteered. Three cups later we took off.
Just over
the Mexican boarder my bladder was ready to get rid of
some coffee. Feeling self conscious because I would have
to call attention to my plight with my co-ed passengers I
got up. I didn't have to go far, two steps. When I opened
the door the lavatory the space was stacked full with
luggage. One of the gentleman got up to help me clear it
out when the copilot stuck his head in the cabin and said
we could not move the luggage, something about weight
distribution. Timidly I asked "what am I supposed to
do?". He told me I'd have to wait. To the question
of how much longer, he said 3 hours. Embarrassed I sat
down while my bladder screamed "NEVER"! Another
passenger with the same urge asked who's cases they were,
someone said they were makeup cases belonging to Liza
Minnelli. They had brought them to the airport, as if
that made everything OK.
I did not
know a soul on the plane, they were all strangers.
Someone handed me a magazine to help divert my attention.
After about 90 minutes my discomfort was painful. Knowing
it was just a matter of hitting some air turbulence or a
split second of relaxation before really embarrassing
myself. I finally asked the pilot if there was anything
to be done. He's answer, "pee in a cup". I
looked at the small space and the faces of all those
strangers and sat back down. It was one of those cry or
laugh times, I could do neither. By now any movement or
shift in my body was unbelievable, drops were escaping,
tears were rolling down my checks. Finally a seemingly
sympathetic passenger offered to hold up a black garbage
bag, another offered an empty "coffee cup". I
was desperate!
Liza, I know
you have been in those corporate jets many times. They
are open, especially the couch seating. Crouched up
against the exit door, you could hear the sound
throughout the cabin. It seemed to take forever, then
becoming alarmed that the small cup would over flow, I
pinched it off. On top of all that there was no lid for
the coffee cup. At this point there was feeling no
sympathy from my fellow passengers. Settling back in my
seat and wanting to just disappear, I still had to
relieve myself and we still had a hour to go.
Over the
years that story was told many times as my most
embarrassing moment. I've had people in tears laughing so
hard. But always sobered the laughter with the remark
that Liza Minnelli was self-centered and just not a nice
person. Smug revenge for my humiliation. The other day at
the market your picture was on the cover of one of those
muck papers. Can't remember the caption, something about
hardship or tragedy. There was still the smug
satisfaction that your life was no easier that mine. A
few days later while walking Tundra my mood was "Oh
Poor Me" . Hoping people were thinking good thoughts
about me and wishing me only the best. Your photo on the
cover of that rag (where do they get those shots?) came
to mind and I recalled all the times over the years I'd
said negative remarks about you. It struck me that there
was no reason to do, think and say what I had. You had
nothing to do with my embarrassment, I do apologize and
hope you can have a good laugh too.
Now for the
real reason for this letter. I've never bought or read
one of "those" papers. Liza, if there really is
sadness and pain happening in your life, as the headline
indicated. I wanted you to know I am thinking good
thoughts about you and remembering you in my prayers. We
all need all the positive input we can get.
Sincerely,
B Sharon
Clifford
cc: JFK
Yes, it is good to clear ones conscience .
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